First (Skype) date with Q

I think q is really falling for me. We had a skype date last night, nov. 8th, and it was pretty cool. His life is pretty together. Plus he's pretty romantic! :)

Pros and Cons- Ben

Ben

Pros

1. Sweet
2. Funny
3. Chivalrous, a Gentleman
4. Romantic
5. Affectionate
6. Reliable and Steady
7. He's trying to fix things...because of me

Cons

1. IS NOT DIVORCED!!!
2. (Soon to be) Ex-wife still lives with him
3. Has a son
4. Poor
5. Has a (self-admitted) cluttered house
6. Drones on and on about his past events
7. Talks about exes too much

How I feel when I'm with him
Good Feelings, feelings I like
Sweet
Charmed
Good
Feminine
Beautiful
Loved
Excited and Nervous

Bad Feelings, feelings I don't like
Jealous
Annoyed
Bored
Like I'm waiting...waiting for him to get his shit together? I'm not sure...

Dates with Ben

Thursday, Oct.6-1st date- Carabbas and kissing by the fountain.
Oct.11- 2nd date- McDonald's and the beach and Starbucks
Oct.16- 3rd date- New Found Glory and late-night-after-concert cheeseburger at BK
Oct.22- 4th date- Dave and Buster's.  Oral at the park, almost got caught by a cop.  God saved us from being arrested.  Just 5 minutes earlier, his pants would have been down in the car.  15 minutes earlier my pants were down and he was on his knees...in the park!!!
Oct.27- 5th date- Thai restaurant and Cheesecake Factory
Nov.3- 6th date- The Promenade and Denny's.

Ok, Ben threw me a bombshell.  He's not divorced...yet. Grrrr!  I'm what's lighting a fire under his ass to force him to get his shit together.  I gave him a deadline: Dec. 1st.  That's the day I make a decision about what I want to do about our relationship.  I'd like to keep dating him...but I don't know.  But it's a good feeling having power.  I cried on the phone to him last night, when I was telling him about my deadline.  I make sure to always make everything about me: about my feelings and wants and needs.  I'm keeping the focus on me!

1st Date with Matt

We did my usual first date...mall!  He was very nice and gentlemanly.  He has a little southern drawl to his voice...nice!  He held the door open for me every time nd he was just a really nice guy.  He's intelligent and funny and pretty cute too!  I would not be ashamed to introduce him to my friends.  We ate at Stir Crazy...I made like I had never been there before...cuz I wasn't all that familiar with the menu or anything anyway.  He paid in cash...that was a little disappointing.  But he owns a house and has stocks, so that's good1  He texted me a couple of times afterwards...and he asked if the distance was a problem for me, lol!  I used my feeling messages, notice the water, glitter breathe, and of course, the lean back.  I forgot water wheel!  Next time!  I think I overdid the feeling messages with Eddie...it felt forced and this time it was a lot more natural.  i think I'm getting better at following...even though it's so hard not to take control, lol!  This was a very good first date!

Note:  When Mom and Dad came to pick me up, I was introducing Matt and I forgto his name!  LOL!  I don't think anyone noticed. >:P

1st date with Eddie

We had my usual first date: mall for Starbucks. After sitting and talking for a long time, we decided to go eat. while we were walking to the restaurant, I used the "Be a follower, let him lead" from Love Scripts. Also, I noticed the water, did shimmer breath, leaned back, and constantly used the feeling messages. There were times when I felt the connection and he was leaning forward a little during dinner. Also, instead of choosing the seat across from me, he sat next to me, so we were at right angles. It was hard to do the lean back in that position, but I tried. He paid for coffee and dinner and i thanked him. Then we were walking outside to the front and I said "i feel a little awkward asking, but I'm not sure where I'm stepping. Would you mind if I held your arm?" He offered me his arm and first I was trying not to weigh him down to much but then I remembered the melting and I did as much melting as I could without falling over. When it was time to leave, he hugged me and put his cheek up to mine...it felt really nice and it was very sweet. He's anice guy and fun to listen to. I need to work on turning down my boy energy...but it's hard! Natural born leader, you know? But I don't want to lead in love. I want to fall.

1st date with Eddie tomorrow night

My first date in over 3 months...really looking forward to it. Lean back, lean back. Relax. Breathe. Be grounded, centered, open. Waterwheel. Tell him how I feel.

In May, I went out with Roosevelt, my first black guy.  He kept his Bluetooth on the whole tie and didn't even buy me coffee.  Not a good time.

1st date with Eric

Eric and I met at the mall to have coffee. We met outside of Starbucks. He was sitting there, but I didn't recognize him and he wasn't 100% sure it was me! then he came up to me and introduced himself and gave me a hug. He was cute in his pics, but even cuter in person. I didn't say that to him but he said that about me, lol! So he paid for my coffee and we sat a while then walked around. I did the lean back, eye contact, and shimmer breathe. Not sure if we're connecting but there were times when he would lean in towards me. I didn't get to do too many feeling messages because he talked a lot about his business and work...and I couldn't feel too much about that. Maybe I felt bored, but not really. And I think that would've been rude. Maybe I can say "I feel like talking about..." and change the subject that way.
I felt more sexually/physically attracted to him than to Jeff...and he's funnier. But Jeff is very sweet. They both have pros and cons. Anyway, as soon as I left, Eric sent me a text saying he had a really good time with me! :) And he called me around 9:30...of the night we had the date! Guess he just can't get enough of me. or another date. He didn't ask me out for Valentine's Day though...but that's good cuz I'm going out with Jeff. :)

1st date with Jeff

I finally went on a date! It's been over a year and I had so many cancellations by other guys but I finally had one! Jeff is 34, Jewish, very sweet and kind hearted. He was an alcoholic and takes drugs for depression now, but he seems to have it all together now. He has a BS in sociology and a dog.
So we went to the mall and we were supposed to meet by macy's but we met by the food court instead. When I got there, he wasn't around and I was so scared that he had seen me coming and decided to hightail it out of there! But actually he was in the best buy store. He came out and gave me a hug. He's balding on top, but otherwise cute. The first thing he said was 'You're even prettier than your picture!" That was sweet. He also said I have a beautiful smile. Then we walked around a while and ended up at starbucks. He bought my coffee (of course!) then we sat on a bench to talk. I did the lean back thing and the notice the water (in the fountain) and the eye contact. He seemed to open up. Later we sat in the food court (cuz he had to go to the bathroom) and I did the lean back, hands open pose. And he was actually leaning in towards me, giving, like the waterwheel! at one point he said "I feel like I've known you forever." Good stuff! then we went to eat at Stir Crazy. It was ok...Chinese food. He paid again (of course!). He paid cash both times...hopefully he has a credit card. He told me he wished we could spend more time together (he had to leave to go to a work dinner). He asked me out for next Tuesday and right now we have tentative plans. When he left, he said "Give me a hug." And he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. I could tell by his face he was going to do something. It was really sweet. Later he texted me and said he had a good time with me. :)
I think this is the smoothest first date I've ever had. He admitted he was nervous but I didn't feel nervous at all with him. It felt like "Yeah, he's just one of the many guys circling around me...I like him, but I can like other guys too." No more putting all my eggs in one basket, pinning all my hopes on one guy. Or even pinning any hope on any guy! I didn't think about things like does he like me? does he think i'm pretty? is he having a good time? i just relaxed and let it happen. I was being, not doing. And it was a blast! =)

Update: On Friday, he called me and asked me out for Monday. I said, "That's Valentine's Day!" And he said "Oh, that's perfect! Will you be my valentine?" Isn't that just adorable??? I said of course I would be! :)
Now I feel all warm and tingly...=)

It's over

It's over and done with. I might post some memories here later...but I can't yet. He wasn' for me and honestly, I don't think he could be for anyone. Goodbye to all the times I felt unfulfilled, sad, unappreciated, unlistened-to, and unimportant. Goodbye Jim...and good riddance!